Dear management of XXXXXX Hospital,

I am pleased to inform you that my father is satisfied with his stay at your medical centre. I would also like to reassure you that we will not pursue the fact that my father had overstrained himself during a medical check-up ordered by your doctor any further, even though my mother is stubbornly convinced that your side should be blamed. But let’s be honest with ourselves, even a teenager-aspiring-to-be-a-doctor-then-surgeon like me knows that we don’t tell a middle-aged man with hypertension who hasn’t exercised since 2 centuries ago to run on a treadmill at an almost maximum speed. It’s no surprise that he felt an almost immediate chest pain that led him to be hospitalized in your ICU (‘Intensive Care Unit’ not ‘I See You’) for 5 days. But like I said, we will not pursue it any further.

The main reason I am writing this to you is because I would like to help you make yourself better, since “Help Us Make Ourselves Better” is your slogan on your feedback form. Now I realized that I should have written this on your form and submitted it, but unfortunately 3 lines is simply not enough for me. So my first suggestion is, provide more space on your feedback form for people to complain — oops! Did I say complain? I meant — help you make yourself better. Three measly lines is simply not enough for us to help you. What if that person has big, bulgy and monstrous writing? Just ONE word takes up the entire line. Three lines is not even enough to address the topic of concern. 

       The      

   Vending  

 Machine… 

See?

Speaking of machines, your auto-pay machine needs some serious reprogramming. What do you mean by “Please do not use coins”? You tell me to pay RM2.50 but I can’t use coins to pay 50 cents? And if I only have a 50-ringgit note, am I suppose to let your stupid machine return me forty-seven 1-ringgit notes and 50 cents? How am I suppose to pay the cab? Let him count 1-ringgit notes in the dark? He’ll probably drive me to an abandoned road then leave me there  due to stress from counting too many 1-ringgit notes. I am lucky if I even make it home alive.

Refusing to move away from the auto-pay machine topic, I have some issues with your rates. Isn’t RM2 for an hour or less a little too expensive? My father alone has had around 30 visitors already. And almost everyone owns a car because Malaysia is ‘rich’ with crude oil and we just don’t care about our choking and dying environment. So congratulations to you for managing to collect around RM60 from one sick patient. Keep it up and I will tell all my relatives to park at your “For Staff Only” area. I am sure you wouldn’t want that to happen, do you?

Your staff had been kind and very helpful throughout our visit there. Their dedication and competency towards their work is commendable. However, I cannot say the same for the workers at your convenience store and canteen. When my father wants something, he MUST have it. When he wants a toothpick, he expects his daughter to go around looking for one. My first stop is your convenience store. The worker at your convenience store looked no older than 16 years old and I’m not even sure if that is legal. When I asked for a toothpick he looked at me like I was asking him whether he sold any germanium at his little store. I assume the answer is a no and promptly left for the canteen. The cook at your canteen did not look underage so that is good news. But when asked for a toothpick, he got all confused thinking it is a dish and proceeded with asking me to describe the taste and texture of it. In the end, I returned to my father’s ward without a toothpick, but that’s okay because by then he had already forgotten all about it.

I hope you will take my suggestions into serious consideration because, let’s face it, we both know I make sense.

Your’s truthfully,

Patient No. B45

I was playing Scrabble on Facebook just now and the first word I managed to come up with was:

Don’t you just love this game!

Right. Moving on.

So I was invited kinda invited myself to Lily’s house to have a sleepover. So I created the whole programme to make sure we don’t stare at each others’ faces and get bored. Here’s a checklist:

1) Get parents’ permission first. (I’m still working on it)

2) Make pancakes together (Reminder: Must not blow up kitchen because parents will not pay for damages)

3) Play with Lily’s pets. (She practically own a petting zoo — 2 dogs, turtles, actively-reproducing hamsters and God knows what other beasts she rears)

4) Tweak her computer a bit (Lily’s technologically declined you see)

5) Force her to watch a horror movie (She doesn’t want to! That chicken.)

6) Force her to let me give her a makeover. (She also doesn’t want to)

7) Force her into a dress. (Her reaction was one word: APPALLED)

8) Pillow fight Any sort of fight! (Reminder: Must be careful not to get any blood on the furnitures)

9) Go somewhere fun. (Anywhere! I don’t care!)

10) ……..

11) ????

12) ????????????

13) ?

14) …………….

The programme is open for suggestions. So feel free to come up with anything useful. Please make sure that it will torture or annoy Lily in some possible way.

Hey, that is what best friends are for – we drive each other up the wall! Right Li-Li-An?

P.S. Yes, you MUST comment because this post is practically about you.

~ Anonymously Secret

Hey guys… (Well, and girls of course)

This is going to be one of my once in the pink (I just prefer pink over blue!) moon lengthy post. You know, the occasional post where I get all sentimental and talk about life and what not. Well, this is another one of those. Before you say PMS, let me just say that yes, it is PMS.  However, I do have a couple of things bottled up inside me that I need to “let out”.

There’s a few worries going on in my mind right now. Mostly it involves change. I don’t like to think too much about it because, well, I become like this. We have a term for it, it’s called emo-ing. Plus the more I think about it, the more I realize that Ian could be right about me being xenophobic.

1) I think my brother is getting married soon.
2) I am not really fond of his girlfriend.
3) I can’t bear with the thought of living with her.

He met her in university. She’s a year older than her but I can tell my brother is very devoted to her. (He takes after my mother: they’re very loyal. I’m slightly… different.) Yesterday, he brought her back home — just a little friendly visit I suppose. A very rare one. He had never brought her back before so… maybe I’m just coming up with my own assumptions. I’m very sensitive and paranoid about many things.

 She’s nice. Very nice and friendly. Bought gifts for us. The ideal future sister-in-law I suppose. But I just don’t like her. I can’t explain the contempt that I feel for her. I just dislike her. I find her pathetic. A nuisance.

I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t strong words against her. Maybe I’m just being judgemental. I’m not exactly the nicest person in the world. I don’t even know her.

If he marries her, he might move in with us. Or we may move in with them to a bigger house. A common tradition for Chinese families in Malaysia since my parents only have one son and daughter (me).

I can already imagine myself giving her the cold shoulders and blank looks. I just cannot bear the thought of living with that complete impostor! Alright, sorry, I’m doing it again.

I might as well just pack my bags and leave.

Damn it even the cat hates me.

~ Anonymously Secret

Alright, I really should move on to another topic soon, but… I don’t know. I find spammers and their “profession” oddly fascinating! So please, this will be the last time I’m going to bring spammers into my blog spotlight, just let me share this!

(Also, I’m probably the only blogger out there who acknowledges spammers and their perverse fun-ness.)

I received a spam email that didn’t manage to be filtered by the junk email system few days ago:

Good day and compliment of the season, Let me start by introducing myself, I am Mr Moman Kabore, the director of file and computer department in African Development Bank in Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso in Africa.I am writing you this letter based on the latest development in my bank which I will like to bring to your personal edification.( US$ 5m) claim.

The purpose of my contacting you is because my status would not permit me to do this alone. Please do respect the content of this mail and treat with regards as you stand to benefit from this; hence I will like you to please acknowledge this mail by sending me the following information enabling call you to discuss further on what this entails and how we are expected to actualizing this in the shortest possible time.

[1] Full Names
[2] Your phone/fax number
[3] Your residential address.
[4] Yours age
[5] Your occupation

This is a legitimate transaction and you will be paid 40% for your “Assistance”. Should you be interested in my proposal, I prefer you reach me on my email or via email for further clarification and detail. I am looking forward to your urgent response and our partnership. Send me an email for more information’s

Sincerely,
Mr.Moman Kabore.

Here’s a picture for certification:

Thats enough spam stuff for now. I hope the pole dancer cum terrorist image above wont haunt you for the rest of your life.

~ Anonymously Secret

The night I returned from my month-long break to the keyboard I missed so much to blog again, I noticed I have 19 comments waiting for me. Yup, NINETEEN SPAM COMMENTS by people who have nothing better to do. Surprisingly, these spammers are oh-so polite and charming.

And I thought, Oh I MUST share these! Because it is just. too. rich.

REALLY?  “info” and “substance”??? MY blog?! I have absolutely NO idea what he had been reading. As if reading about a teenage girl’s puberty dilemma is a “definite great read”.

Well I got news for you: you said the exact same thing three hours ago. Feel free to come back a few hours later to say it again. (It’s not like I can stop you anyway)

Which site? MY blog or that cheap Viagra site?

LOL. CSS code FAIL! Feel free to come back and try again later.

Ah. At least you got it right this time.

Would appreciate if you said that earlier in ONE comment post only. But then again, third time’s the charm.

I want to make sure we’re on the same page before I click that link. Are you talking about computer programmes “crack” or crack as in the ones that make you feel like you just died and went to heaven kind of “crack”? Or are we talking about a whole different thing entirely?

Oh that’s really nice of you but it’s okay, really. The last thing I need is more spam and spammers hanging out at my blog. Thanks anyway. PS, I liked your movies. PPS, it’s an honour for me to have an aspiring actress like you here.

Yeah, you really should. I should give you my email address too. It’s: gofuckyourself@yahoo.com. Looking forward to receiving that email from you.

Tch. I can say the same for your name.

I am truly grateful that you are entrusting the secret of “The Dofus Kamas” to me. You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this opportunity to knock on my humble door. I give you my word that I will continue following the sacred path of “The Dofus Kamas” so long as I still have a soul in this sinned body.

Note: For those of you who are wondering, no I do not know what the hell I am talking about. I also do not know what in the holy world is ”dofus kamas”. Sounds like something disgusting and should be flushed down the toilet to me.

Thanks! I can’t wait to check it out…

… my ass!

 Thank you Mr. Jimmy Bean. I must say though, you sound oddly familiar to the guy who goes by the name Mr. Tony Brown. Could it be possible that you have a brother that was separated from you at birth?! How exciting! I wish the both of you to have the best reunion ever! No need to thank me.

 Never heard of it. Is it edible though?

Okay, I am looking at it. What’s next?

Gee, those sound very reasonable! I’m off to steal my dad’s credit card now–!

Miley Cyrus ain’t worth my attention. I rather cut my own wrist and watch it bleed in fascination than see her disgusting naked body.

Oh mighty life savior! You totally saved my life today. I have been searching for hours for the light of “The Dofus Kamas” and I almost gave up and strayed from that holy path. But, thank “The Mighty Dofuser” for bringing you to me and showing me my bright dofus future again.

Note: I still have no idea what I am talking about.

Too bad though, I live on the other side of the world from London. But very titillating offer though!

Conclusion: Spammers are very entertaining people albeit they don’t make sense half MOSTof the time.

~ Anonymously Secret

What will the woman of the future look like? Scientists foretell that she will be shorter, chubbier and have babies earlier — DailyChili.com

Well, why don’t you predict these about guys?

Uglier…

Balder…

And more impotent.

We need more female scientists damn it.

P.S. Did you see my new page on how to react when confronting a flasher? Just felt obliged to share :D

~ Anonymously Secret

Dearest readers, lately I’ve been pondering about many things that usually go on unanswered. So feel free to answer my following curious questions, because I can think about them all day long but still wont have the answer even if I Google it.

1) My mum thinks that talking to yourself is a sign of a mental disorder. Somebody please disagree with her!

2) How does pancake taste like? I never had them before.

3) How does it feel for guys to have a penis? Doesn’t it feel uncomfortable or weird? I mean there’s a 4-6 inches rod dangling from between your crotch! Surely it feels weird somehow!

4) Can someone teach me how to hypnotize myself to sleep? Or some other way to cure my insomnia.

5) I broke my only cure to insomnia, my mp3 player, by overcharging it. How do I fix it?

6) How can some people smile into a camera so confidently? Every time I tried smiling into it, my cheeks start feeling numb and my smile begins to look like an evil smirk. Plus, I look like an idiot in the picture!

7) How does steak taste like? I don’t eat red-meat so I want to know what I’m missing out.

8) Don’t tampons hurt? I imagine it would feel like having a shrivelled-up mini-penis inside you all day long.

9) I look down on everyone that I meet. Do you think this is a problem?

10) Why are scammers sometimes such bad liars? I mean “I am a princess of a small Tibetan island…” and “My wife and kids died in a freak accident”. Pfft!

11) My dog doesn’t budge even when I kick him in the butt repeatedly (Just for the kick of it, hah!) What is wrong with him?

12) I hate my own name. God, what should I do?

13) I feel very violent lately. A little help over here?

14) Do couples ever become conscious about each others’ morning breath? How can they stand it?

15) Do girls with PMS have sex with their boyfriends? Do their boyfriends mind?

16) Why are all sportsmen sooo hot!? But why are sportswomen so ugly sometimes?

17) My school’s librarian has unibrows. I really want to borrow a book! But I’m too afraid to look at her.

18) Do guys like female weightlifters? The kind of weightlifters with really really huge muscles. You know, the ones you see on Olympics. 

19) Why am I sitting and sweating on this sofa in a hot room when I have a fully functional air-condition that is not switched on?

20) I don’t think I am funny at all. Tell me, am I funny?

You don’t have to answer all these questions — only the ones you know the answer to, of course. So please, give me some answers!!!

~ Anonymously Secret

I do not know who invented exams but I don’t intend to find out, for I will kill him. But then again, he’s probably already dead anyway.

The papers were all tough. Very tricky and hard. Can’t believe I wasted a whole month for it.

Malay Language – I hate this damned language. I am never going to speak it anyway.

English – I love this language. I still think I am going to get a B though.

Biology/Physics/Chemistry – Why why why did I choose to become a surgeon? If I knew it was going to be this hard, I would have chose some other profession.

Mathematics – When in the world are we ever going to need Trigonometry or Algebra? Being able to solve an equation won’t bag me a rich husband dammit

Additional Maths – ONE maths paper isn’t enough, we need TWO of it now!

History – They forced us to memorize the whole book. I DON’T CARE ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE!

Moral – Another memorizing subject, my brain is at its maximum capacity! Soon, I won’t be able to remember my own name!

Accounts - None of it balanced. I can’t handle money!

I think I have papyrophobia.

BAN EXAMS! SAVE TREES!

P.S. Someone cheated during the exams. She had a WHOLE book between her legs.

P.P.S. That was dumb. If you’re going to cheat, CHEAT SMART.

~ Anonymously Secret

And…

SHE IS BACK!

Miss me? I bet you did.

;)

~ Anonymously Secret

I will be away for a month.

I know I know, I can practically read your minds. I can tell you all are missing me already :P

But, don’t worry for I WILL be back.

What will I be doing you ask? Oh that’s easy! Studying my ass off and stuffing knowledge into my already-out-of space brain to avoid flunking my extremely crucial exams and disappointing my already-disappointed-from-my-previous-test-results parents.

Oh how fun. Please note the sarcasm.

Just wait. I’ll be back with an explosion!

But before that, let me share these hilarious pictures of a kitty attacking my little cousins:

That’s it for now. Do not forget me or you’ll be attacked by kitties.

Will be back on the 16th of October :)

~ Anonymously Secret