Dear management of XXXXXX Hospital,

I am pleased to inform you that my father is satisfied with his stay at your medical centre. I would also like to reassure you that we will not pursue the fact that my father had overstrained himself during a medical check-up ordered by your doctor any further, even though my mother is stubbornly convinced that your side should be blamed. But let’s be honest with ourselves, even a teenager-aspiring-to-be-a-doctor-then-surgeon like me knows that we don’t tell a middle-aged man with hypertension who hasn’t exercised since 2 centuries ago to run on a treadmill at an almost maximum speed. It’s no surprise that he felt an almost immediate chest pain that led him to be hospitalized in your ICU (‘Intensive Care Unit’ not ‘I See You’) for 5 days. But like I said, we will not pursue it any further.

The main reason I am writing this to you is because I would like to help you make yourself better, since “Help Us Make Ourselves Better” is your slogan on your feedback form. Now I realized that I should have written this on your form and submitted it, but unfortunately 3 lines is simply not enough for me. So my first suggestion is, provide more space on your feedback form for people to complain — oops! Did I say complain? I meant — help you make yourself better. Three measly lines is simply not enough for us to help you. What if that person has big, bulgy and monstrous writing? Just ONE word takes up the entire line. Three lines is not even enough to address the topic of concern. 

       The      

   Vending  

 Machine… 

See?

Speaking of machines, your auto-pay machine needs some serious reprogramming. What do you mean by “Please do not use coins”? You tell me to pay RM2.50 but I can’t use coins to pay 50 cents? And if I only have a 50-ringgit note, am I suppose to let your stupid machine return me forty-seven 1-ringgit notes and 50 cents? How am I suppose to pay the cab? Let him count 1-ringgit notes in the dark? He’ll probably drive me to an abandoned road then leave me there  due to stress from counting too many 1-ringgit notes. I am lucky if I even make it home alive.

Refusing to move away from the auto-pay machine topic, I have some issues with your rates. Isn’t RM2 for an hour or less a little too expensive? My father alone has had around 30 visitors already. And almost everyone owns a car because Malaysia is ‘rich’ with crude oil and we just don’t care about our choking and dying environment. So congratulations to you for managing to collect around RM60 from one sick patient. Keep it up and I will tell all my relatives to park at your “For Staff Only” area. I am sure you wouldn’t want that to happen, do you?

Your staff had been kind and very helpful throughout our visit there. Their dedication and competency towards their work is commendable. However, I cannot say the same for the workers at your convenience store and canteen. When my father wants something, he MUST have it. When he wants a toothpick, he expects his daughter to go around looking for one. My first stop is your convenience store. The worker at your convenience store looked no older than 16 years old and I’m not even sure if that is legal. When I asked for a toothpick he looked at me like I was asking him whether he sold any germanium at his little store. I assume the answer is a no and promptly left for the canteen. The cook at your canteen did not look underage so that is good news. But when asked for a toothpick, he got all confused thinking it is a dish and proceeded with asking me to describe the taste and texture of it. In the end, I returned to my father’s ward without a toothpick, but that’s okay because by then he had already forgotten all about it.

I hope you will take my suggestions into serious consideration because, let’s face it, we both know I make sense.

Your’s truthfully,

Patient No. B45